Me: (excited) Do I look tanned? Mom: Not really Me: Yes I do! Mom: Compared to what? Your usual colour of anemia?!
Supportive Parenting (Depression part 1)
Daughter: I’m really depressed today Mom: Cancel all your plans and stay in Daughter: Ya? Is that going to make me feel better? Mom: No, but it’ll make me feel better. Daughter: Um, how? Mom: Someone was shot in Toronto yesterday. You never know who’s lurking outside. This is such a horrible world, I’d rather you just lock your doors and ignore the phone. Daughter:...
If The Shoe Fits...
Sister: OMG, I love these shoes! Mom: Take them off. Me: You look like a hooker! Mom: Honestly, talk about bad taste. Me: Who the heck would wear those? Sister: (To the sales associate) Excuse me, do you like these? Sales Associate: Definitely! I own those in 3 difference colours! Mom: Exactly. *puts shoes back*
Me: Mom do you want some mint tea? Mom: Mint Tea?! Isn’t that bad for you? Me: What? It’s used for relaxing… Mom: No, it’s dangerous. Mint’s bad for you lungs! Me: What? Mom: My doctor told me to stop smoking my mint cigarettes because they were bad for my lungs! Me: Oh yes, I’m sure he was referring to the mint…
Baby shower. Literally.
Sister: Are you coming to the baby shower tomorrow? Me: Baby shower?! Sister: Ya! Me: Who’s pregnant?! Sister: No one… Me: Then what baby shower? Sister: Sammy’s! Me: She’s pregnant again? Sister: No, she just had a baby! Me: So why a baby shower?!… Sister: To christen the baby! Me: Oh, like the “baby’s shower”?! Sister: Ya! Me:...
Overheard convo while studying at Starbucks person 1: So my friend asked me to go to her show last night person 2: how was she?! person 1: Terrible person 2: Oh that’s so annoying person 1: Ya, it’s okay, she sent me a message apologizing after person 2: What did she say person 1: “Sorry I was sucky last night” person 2: Oh, well at least she’s considerate ...
Poor Oral Skills
At dinner with friends Friend: Are you finished your business class? Me: I have my presentation on Tuesday Friend: Oh gosh, good luck Me: Thanks, I hate presenting! Friend: Ya, we were just discussing how terrible you are at it. Me: So you went up to someone and said “Isn’t Tracey Terrible at presentations?!” Friend: Goodness no… Me: Oh ok… Friend: She...
texting a flight attendant
Loud and Proud
That moment when you’re at Starbucks listening to music but the volume wont get loud enough. Then realizing your headphones aren’t plugged in everyone is wondering when you became so public about your love for Justin Bieber. smh.
Texting as I walk *bump into something* Me: Oh sorry *realize its a parking meter* Friend: I think he’ll get over it…
Texting as I walk *bump into something* Me: Oh sorry *realize its a pole* Friend: did you just apologize to a pole?!
Sometimes Quebec is a strange place to live… Preface: At Starbucks chatting with a friend over coffee. Man: (Upset we were speaking English) Why don’t you just go back to England?! Me: I didn’t realize I was British? Man: (Yelling) Are you deaf? I said England! Me: … Man: You English are so ignorant.
Friend: Maybe I’ll just shave my head and wear wigs instead. Me: Ya that sounds really normal… Friend: Well Britney Spears does it… Me: Well reasoned.
Guy: Do you watch football? Me: I’ve never seen a show. Guy: Do you mean game? Me: You’re proving my point.
196 or 197?
Mom: How many countries are there in the world? Tracey: 196, unless you don’t count Taiwan. Mom: Why wouldn’t you count Taiwan? Tracey: Political reasons, but it is definitely a country. Mom: Do they consider the Lost City of Atlantis a country? Tracey: No. Mom: Why not? Tracey: Think about the title… Mom: ”The Lost City of Atlantis”? Tracey: Exactly. Mom:...
Words With Friends
Preface: My mom was playing Words With Friends while I was dancing… Mom: I got 58 points on my last word! Me: That’s great. Mom: Watching you made me think of it! Me: “Dance” was worth 58 points? Mom: No! “Wobble” was.
Under a rock
Overheard while waiting for our table Man: We have a reservation for 4 at 8 pm Waitress: What’s your name? Man: Smith Waitress: Follow me Man: Can you confirm we’re in the non-smoking section? Waitress: Um…yes? Wife: He doesn’t get out much…
*Whistling sound* Me: OMG, what was that?! Shaney: I think it was a whistle? Me: What?! Someone whistled At us?! Shaney: It’s sad that this comes as such a shock… …..and also….. Shaney: My mom bought you figs! *hands me a whole pack of dried figs* Me: Yum! I love these! Shaney: Me too! Me: But sometimes they can be a bit too sweet. Shaney:Agreed! And they can sometimes taste...
Preface: driving home from a hair appointment Me: I think she cut my hair too short! I’m upset. Mom: Don’t be silly, the hairdresser said you looked pretty! Me: Maybe she meant that I’m a pretty person in general though… Mom: No.
Preface: It’s no secret that my family’s weird… Mom: Everyone’s heading to Vermont for a vacation. Me: Who’s everyone? Mom: The whole family. Me: Grandma said it’s only couples. Mom: That’s not true, your cousin’s new girlfriend isn’t coming. Me: Why? Mom: Apparently her husband had a problem with it. Me: (Sarcastically) Gosh, men can...
Pick up lines
Preface: Walking home alone last night. *Creepy Man coming up to me* Me: Hello?! CreepyMan: Can I have your digits? *awkward pause* CreepyMan: …and I don’t mean your fingers. Me: Neither. You can’t have either. *runs away*
Teaching Chronicles: Ultimatums
(When kids are being difficult, pretending to give them a choice can help persuade them to do what you ask) Preface: Teaching swimming lessons to a 4 year old girl. Teacher: Okay, let’s blow bubbles! Child: No, I don’t want to get my face wet. Teacher: Alright, well you can blow bubbles or I can pour water over your hair *blows bubbles angrily* Teacher: Good Job! Let’s swim...
The Amazing Super Hero
Preface: Conversation with my Mom during the preview for The Amazing Spider Man Me: If I was a super hero what would my powers be? Mom: You could kick people in the head with your huge legs! Me: That’s my power?! Mom: And use your screechy voice to break windows so people would fall out! Me: I said Super Hero not Villain. Mom: I’m just trying to be realistic.
Preface: Sailing Tracey: I hear the infrared is strong today but the UV isn’t. Dan: Ya, but the infrared doesn’t really matter Tracey: True, in fact it’s the Ultra Violent rays that are dangerous. Dan: What?! Tracey: The UV is why we need sunscreen. Dan: No, what did you just say?! Tracey: Dan, it is known that Ultra Violent rays cause sunburns and skin damage, where did...
Most Beautiful Girl in the Room
Preface: Old friends catching up at a party Girl: So who are you here with? Guy: My girlfriend actually. Girl: Oh, girlfriend eh? Guy: Yup… Girl: So where is she?! Guy: Just look for the prettiest girl in the room! Girl: Oh wow, you’re dating that hot brunette on the dance floor?! Guy: No, actually she’s that blond in the corner… *awkward pause* Girl: Not the...
The Iphone: Not For Blonds!
Preface: My sister and I playing with her Iphone. Sister: I love apps! Me: I know.. Sister: Have you seen my frogs? Me: What? Sister: The Pocket Frogs app lets you breed frogs! Me: I love frogs! Sister: What about Tiny Tower? Me: What’s that? Sister: YOU BUILD A TINY TOWER! Me: Just what I’ve always wanted… Can we be social and talk about something normal? *pause* ...
Dog today hare tomorrow
Preface: long drive over Easter Tracey: How many dogs have you had? Marco: I dunno, maybe 7? Hayley: 7 dogs seems like a lot Tristan: In 25 years?! not really! Marco: We had this one dog, Simba, who was the UGLIEST DOG! Tristan do you remember how much he looked like a rabbit! Tristan: …He was a rabbit Marco: No Tristan, I’m not talking about the rabbit, I’m talking...
Preface: On my way out to a big event Emma: When are you leaving? Tracey: Now, I’m super late! Emma: Why? Tracey: (Putting on jacket) It took me forever to get ready. Emma: Have fun. Tracey: Don’t I look cute?! Emma: No. I was about to tell you to go change. …followed by… Tracey: I’m late and I have to leave! Mom: Why are you still home? Tracey:...
Forgive Me Father...
Preface: Driving my sister home at night Sam: Take the shortcut through the back of the church Tracey: *turning into the church parking lot* I think the gate’s closed Sam: OMG, imagine being stuck behind here at night! Tracey: …I can turn around… Sam: It’s so scary! Tracey: What are you saying! Sam: Its so dark and empty… Tracey: Sam! The priests are there. ...
Mom: There’s a big sale at the sports store! Tracey: Oh cool, I don’t know what I’d buy though. Mom: Haven’t you wanted to try something new? Tracey: Actually I’ve always wanted to try rock climbing, maybe I’ll buy the harnesses! Mom: Rock CLIMBING?! How Boring! What you really want to do is Rock WALKING. Where you walk (pause) on (pause)...
Preface: My sister’s been having hip problems (problems with her hip not problems being “hip”) Mom: How’s your hip? Sam: *limp, limp* Painful, I just came home from the physiotherapist Mom: Did he diagnose you? Sam: Not yet, but there’s a lot of inflammation. Mom: I think I know your problem Sam: Really?! Mom: Ya, um what’s it called…? *pause* ...
Mom: What was the temperature today? Tracey: Minus a million degrees Celsius. Emma: *rolls eyes* Dad said it was -20 Tracey: -21 actually Mom: Woah. That’s ridiculous. Tracey: Just like when Jack Nicholson froze to death in The Shinning. Mom: So it’s good I was working today! I didn’t miss any good weather. Tracey: It was definitely not worth going outside. Mom: See!...
Lose for Lent
Sam: Hey guys, what are you giving up for lent? Tracey: I haven’t thought about it really… Natasha: Same. Tracey: Maybe I’ll give up having panic attacks from stress Natasha: Good idea. What are you giving up? Sam: I’m losing ten pounds for lent. Tracey: What?! Sam: I’m losing ten pounds Tracey: You can’t do that, you have to Give something up. Natasha:...
Lost In Translation. Again.
Preface: In Spain, meeting up with some old Spanish friends over a drink in a pub in Madrid. (was it necessary to include the last part of that sentence? No. But how much cooler do you think I am now? Exactly.) Marco: I haven’t seen you in so long Christina! Your English is really good. Christina: Thanks! I speak English everyday at work, so I get a lot of practice. Marco: What do you...
A Worthy Cause
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The Country of...
Sam: Are you excited to go on your trip? Tracey: Ya, it’s my first time going to Europe! Sam: Oh that’s really great! Tracey: Can’t Wait! Sam: So are you going to visit any other countries like Paris or Spain, or are you just going to Europe? Tracey: … Sam: What? Tracey: Paris and Spain are actually in Europe, the continent. Sam: Oh sorry I meant what countries are...
Loving Relationships… A movie comes out that I’m dying to see Marco: Hey! I just watched that movie you’ve been dying to see Tracey: The one about the couple? Marco: Ya! Tracey: Was it good? Marco: Ya it was fantastic! Amazing ending. Tracey: Oh I’m excited! I’ve been waiting months and months to see it! Marco: Ya, you should, its so sad when they breakup! ...
Mom: Here’s the cue-cards you asked me to buy you Tracey: OMG THANKS! Mom: … no problem… Tracey: And they have lines on the front! Mom: mhm Tracey: and they’re blank on the back!! Mom: …yes.. Tracey: OMG and they’re on a coil! Mom: are you okay? Tracey: Mom look! They can be detached from a rip out line! Mom: Yes, that’s why I bought them? ...
Preface: Really hectic Macroeconomics class, in an English University in a French city (names changed) Professor: Before your presentations, state your name and then your time starts Tracey to Matt: OMG I failed our last oral, this professor is a psychotic marker Matt: I did really well actually Tracey: But you’re terrible at macro! Matt: Well thanks, but I’m going next! ...
(For Alissa, who still finds “nyan cat” funny, and my very tolerant classmates) Rachel: Are you guys coming to play laser tag for my birthday? Kylie: Ya, of course Tracey: There’s a blacklight so remember not to wear white or you’ll glow in the dark Jesse: Well, I’ll just wear whatever doesn’t glow Rachel: so…all black?! Jesse: Ya, what can I wear...
Preface: Waking up at 9 am Tracey: Hello?! Mom? Emma? *no answer* Tracey: (to self) No one’s home? *I hear someone walking downstairs* Tracey: Hello? *Looks around house* *Dog starts barking* Tracey: (to self) WTF?! This is reallly creepy! *Sees that the front door’s opened* Tracey: (to self) That’s really nice and safe of my family to leave the door unlocked* -Mom...
Nice to meet? you...
Preface: Ran into a friend. Hopefully we’re still friends. Tracey: Hey! how’s it going? Friend: Great! I haven’t seen you in years! Tracey: Honestly! Friend: Have you met my boyfriend? Tracey: (Teasing) Oooohhh, boyfriend eh?! Friend: (Laughing) ya… *waves to boyfriend across the room* Tracey: I guess you got passed that dick who broke up with you in the email! ...
Preface: Apparently in Sydney a Drivers License is the mandatory form of I.D. Scene: going to the local bar Bouncer: ID Tracey: Here (hands him Montreal Drivers License) *Bouncer takes ridiculously long time looking* Tracey: Do you want a different one? *Bouncer keeps on looking* Tracey: I have my visa or my medicare card… *Bouncer still looking* Tracey: Is it because its in...
Preface: A massive water reservoir burst at McGill University a few weeks ago. Alex: Look at that guy walking on the street barefoot! Tracey: He’s probably a environmental student. *Other shoeless students walk by* Alex: Actually there’s a bunch of them. Tracey: I bet a Geography class just finished. *people running down the street* -Tina and Rachel approach us, shoeless- ...
Stomp the Yard
Preface: Sometimes I try to fit in and be cool. (unsuccessfully). Mistakes: Going to a too-cool bar Wearing my sisters new too-cool Steve Madden heels (all sitting at a table) Ines: Who wants to have a cigarette? *everyone gets up* except me. *eyes on me* Me: Oh smoking. I misheard. I def need a smoke, hectic cravings. *everyone walks to the terrace* *my shoes are sticking to the...