here's the story...

Daughter: I’m really depressed today

Mom: Cancel all your plans and stay in

Daughter: Ya? Is that going to make me feel better?

Mom: No, but it’ll make me feel better.

Daughter: Um, how?

Mom: Someone was shot in Toronto yesterday. You never know who’s lurking outside. This is such a horrible world, I’d rather you just lock your doors and ignore the phone.

Daughter: Thanks Mom, I feel so much better.

Texting as I walk 

*bump into something*

Me: Oh sorry

*realize its a parking meter*

Friend: I think he’ll get over it…

Texting as I walk 

*bump into something*

Me: Oh sorry

*realize its a pole*

Friend: did you just apologize to a pole?!

Friend: Maybe I’ll just shave my head and wear wigs instead.

Me: Ya that sounds really normal…

Friend: Well Britney Spears does it…

Me: Well reasoned.