here's the story...

Preface: It’s no secret that my family’s weird…

Mom: Everyone’s heading to Vermont for a vacation.

Me: Who’s everyone?

Mom: The whole family.

Me: Grandma said it’s only couples.

Mom: That’s not true, your cousin’s new girlfriend isn’t coming.

Me: Why?

Mom: Apparently her husband had a problem with it. 

Me: (Sarcastically) Gosh, men can be so possessive… 

Mom: Honestly, what a loser. 

Me: Who? The girlfriend?

Mom: No! The husband. Obviously.

Me: …obviously…

Preface: Walking home alone last night.  

*Creepy Man coming up to me*

Me: Hello?!

CreepyMan: Can I have your digits?

*awkward pause*

CreepyMan: …and I don’t mean your fingers.

Me: Neither. You can’t have either. 

*runs away*